Legends

I rarely watch TV anymore. Most of it bores me to tears. "Friends", "Seinfeld", "Will and Grace"...I have not a clue what they are about. Reality shows? Forget them. I watched about 10 minutes of a "Survivor" episode and was bored and mystified at what all the fuss was about.

Give me some 80's prime time soap operas! Yes, I loved "Dynasty" and "Falcon Crest"... "Dallas" was ok, but the former two were top rated for me! Oh the fabulous people, the power, the clothes, the drama, the schemes, the double crossing, the love affairs, did I say drama?. And the wonderful stars, Jane Wyman, John Forsythe, Pamela Sue Martin, Linda Evans, the yummy Al Corley (what happened to him?) and of course the bitch herself, Joan Collins. As a trivia note, he verbal wars between Krystle (Evans) and Alexis (Collins) was one of the first times the word bitch was used on US television. The use of bitch on Dynasty made the use of the word more socially acceptable.

So I was thrilled when "Legends!" was booked to play here in KC this past week. Starring none other than Linda Evans and Joan Collins, in person! A ton of bitch on stage, it must be heaven.

Unfortunately, if it were not for the presence of the two names, this play would not be worth walking across the street to see. It was great seeing the two "Grande Chattes" together on stage. They looked as if time had stood still, great face lifts ladies! Only some slow movements belied the fact that they were no longer spring bitches.

The plot was tailor made for them. An unscrupulous producer wants to cast two old legends of film and stage in a new play. The ladies are notorious rivals. He succeeds in getting them together by lies and promises. Of course both are washed up and broke. Collins has to borrow an apartment to use as a meeting place so to impress Evans.

The rest of the play is not worth mentioning. Of course they meet, banter, bitch, exchange insults as their charade is unraveled, mostly due to their eating some "Alice B. Toklas Brownies (aka Marijuana brownies). They agree to do the show because they are flat broke. The borrowed apartment was to be a scene for a party and everyone is warned that the party is canceled, except Boom-Boom Johnson, the hired Chippendale stripper. He does his dance and leave the stage with nothing but a strategically placed top hat. What he had to do with anything except to enliven the dirge is beyond me. Beefy boy he was, he made the ladies and gay boys happy.

Yes I was disappointed in the play with its silly, pathetic plot. But to see two of my legends at the same time was great. Unfortunately they did not get in a hair-pulling bitch fight in a fountain. That would have made my day